


But My Dreams, They Aren’t As Empty

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Writer’s Month 2019 [6]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU of The Rise of Kylo Ren, Baby Ben Solo, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Death of Shara Bey in Chapter One, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evil Snoke, Grief/Mourning, Han and Leia Are Not Perfect Parents, M/M, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, Minor Shara Bey/Kes Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Snoke Being a Dick, The Force, Tragedy, Wakes & Funerals, Young Ben Solo, Young Poe Dameron, from Snoke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:06:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: An AU of my Rise of Kylo Ren series, in which Ben and Poe grow up together from the start.





	But My Dreams, They Aren’t As Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: For the prompt “kids”. Title from the song “Behind Blue Eyes”, originally by The Who. Even though I wrote this to “Black Honey” by Thrice, which is a very Ben Solo/Kylo Ren song.

As far as Ben Solo knows, Poe Dameron’s been in his life from the beginning. He doesn’t know if there was a certain entry point; his earliest memories just include Poe like he’s always been there, along with his parents, Shara and Kes. Shara and Kes feel stable, really, stable and kind — a contrast to his loving but unpredictable parents. You never know when an argument is about to break out between Ben’s parents, but Shara and Kes are safe. Overwhelmingly safe. As is their son, Poe, who seems to not mind that a three-years-younger boy is all but tagging along with him.

Ben Solo is three and Poe Dameron is six, but Poe doesn’t seem to mind his company at all, actually. The Voice that’s been there from the beginning says that Poe is a waste of time. “He comes from nothing,” says the Voice. “He is nothing. Why do you indulge him?”

But Poe Dameron isn’t nothing. Not to Ben. He’s funny and kind and wants to be a pilot like his mommy, and Ben wants to be a pilot like his daddy, and maybe they can be pilots together. The very best. 

“Can be pilots?” Ben’s speech is like any three year old’s — imperfect, chirpy, precise — but Poe doesn’t mind. Instead, he lights up. 

“Yeah!” Poe says. “And maybe you could use your Force Powers. I’ll be the pilot, you’ll be the Jedi.”

“Yeah!”

Even as they grin at one another, Ben wishes Poe had the Force. But then again, maybe he doesn’t have to. Does it matter who has the Force and who doesn’t? 

***

Ben is five years old when Shara Bey passes away. Speeder accident, the reports say, but it doesn’t matter how she died. It’s unfair, and Ben’s anger and grief causes a lamp to tip over and extinguish — accidental use of his Force powers. 

In the next room, he can hear his parents’ voices. “...can’t go on like this,” his mother says. “I love him, Han, but he’s good as a minefield sometimes...”

”He’s just a kid,” his father argues. “He can’t cope. Stang, when I got the news of Shara...” He trails off. If even Daddy can’t handle it, Ben knows he can’t either. And Mommy doesn’t trust him. Which means...

_They don’t trust you. They’re too self-righteous to see beyond their own hatred of all things different. All things that don’t fit their warped worldview..._

Ben swallows. “S-she can’t be dead,” he says. “It’s not fair!”

_The galaxy is an unfair, fractured place. But you can fix it..._

“Really?”

_Of course. You’re nothing to your parents, young Solo. But not to me._

***

Ben Solo hates funerals. There’s something about the noise of other people’s thoughts that are simply too loud — he wants to cover his ears against the noise, against thoughts like _that poor child _regarding Poe, and _thank the stars she didn’t suffer _and what difference does it make, Shara’s gone and it’s not fair —

Poe joins him. The older child, now eight years old, looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. Ben turns to him. “My uncle says that people who die go into the Force,” he offers tentatively. “So...Shara could be there.”

Poe sniffles. “Maybe.” 

Maybe that’s another reason that what the Voice says is wonderful. It hurts seeing Poe sad. It feels like Poe’s pain is his own, like they’re joined by it. 

Ben doesn’t know if people who aren’t Force Sensitive go into the Force — or if there’s just blackness afterwards. The very idea, of there just being nothingness, oblivion, Shara ceasing to exist...it’s awful, it’s mean, it’s not fair —

“The Force can do anything,” Ben says. “We can at least have faith in that.”

They both stand there, mourning for a lost mother named Shara, almost inseparable and unbreakable in that moment. They’ll always be together, right? He and Poe. 

Can’t he have faith in that? 


End file.
